Ill Never Really Know

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This seems so stupid, I feel like such an idiot. This is the stuff that people look at and say thank god that didnt happen to me.Well it happened to me and is continuing to happen, Ive run out of options and Im lost.Sometime back I met someone online by mere circumstance. A very beautiful young lady that seemed very interesting. She was a student by day, and a dancer by night. I thought a typical hard luck story: Broken Home, crappy life. We exchanged pleasantries. However, she displayed a charm and intellect that was very interesting to me. Id thought that the love game had passed me by, and wasnt looking for it. We began instant messaging back and forth,sometimes for up to 5 or six hours a day. Just stuff about each other, our thoughts, dreams, whatever. Of course, I accept that online relationships are a different animal altogether. You never really know who you are dealing with until you have the chance to meet.Well all of a sudden things took a more serious turn. She told me that she liked me, and that I put a smile on her face. I told her that she made me feel good. I was always respectful of her. I never said anything dirty to her or weird. After another period of time, I knew I had developed strong feelings for her. She had said likewise. Then she dropped off the face of the earth for about 2 weeks. We had been in phone contact as well. No answer. Emails, No reply…Nothing. I figured that I would never hear from her again andthat I must have said something to freak her out.10 days later she calls me and acts like nothing ever happened. She told me that she had taken off with some of her friends and that she was out of phone range the entire time. The next several days she bombarded me with telephone calls really being nice to me, telling me she was going to set up a meeting for uswe live 1000 miles apart. Everything sounded so good.About a month ago I finally dropped the bomb on her. I told her that I was in love. She retreated immediately and I didnt hear from her for 2 days. Once again, I figured I screwed it all up and missed my chance. Well, she called me and told me that yes, she loved me and we were going to be together. For about half a day it was awesome….finally after all these years I had something that I wanted, the love of a beautiful woman, someone I wanted to be with. Someone I could be tender to, because it is in my nature to be tender to someone I care about, and not hurt them. I hadnt had these feelings in YEARS. It was exhilarating…it was special…it was wonderful…it was…..About to come crashimg down in an instant.She informs me later that day that tragedy had befallen her family, and that she would contact me ASAP. I dont get an chance to ask her what is going on, she vanishes. She posted a blog on her website that day that was something akin to a woman about to go out of her mind with torment. I was beside myself. I tried calling her, emailing her, desperately trying to find out what had happened. NOTHING. I send her texts, no reply. I have no idea at this point if she is alive or dead. So on Christmas, after two weeks of nothing I send her the email that since I dont know what happened, that I figured that it was time to bow out, because I tortured myself with sleepless nights and crying just to have a sign thatshe was alive. I couldnt take it anymore.Two days after christmas I get a nasty email fom her about how I was selfish and that I should just bug off. She then contacted me the next day like nothing ever happened again. She wanted me to meet her ASAP. She told me she quit dancing to take care of her family. I felt a litle better.Since New Years Day we have had a few phone calls between us. Just tonight she did another 180 on me and told me she was taking a new job that would take her out of town for long periods of time. I asked her about school. She said she didnt have to return until the end of the month, and that she would be out partying with her friends for the weekend and would probably be out of phone range. Nothing after all this time about how things were going for her family, anything.Then she asked me if I was mad or something. Before I got a chance to answer she saysshe only calls me when she is in her car I gotta let you go, as if someone was getting into her car that she didnt want me to know about. POOF…GONEJust to satisfy my own curiosity about something I visited her colleges website to look at the Spring Semester Schedule.Classes for the new term begin this Tuesday.When I saw that, I thought I heard some sad background music that was beginning to play while the credits were rolling on a bad movie that should never have been produced. You know that feeling you have when you have no control over what is happening, you cant stop it, but your heart is still broken. The saddest about it is that I never laid eyes on her, and I let it affect me like this